Getting there...

"No more talk of darkness,
forget these wide-eyed fears;
I'm here, nothing can harm you,
my words will warm and calm you.
Let me be your freedom,
let daylight dry your tears;
I'm here, with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you..."

Christine had it easy, didn't she? Raoul was around.

Well, I shouldn't complain. I have Ma, Paa and the Piglet - just the thought of their presence gives me the strength to fight when most of me feels like cowering under a comforter in the fetal position all day. I have Fi, who, in every action and thought for me, embodies the very spirit of Raoul's words. I have Di, who's proven herself 'family' time and again in the last few months. I have A, mom's cousin working in academics herself, who's been through the process and has looked after me through these months - and I have Pink. And a whole bunch of other family members who have registered me in their daily thoughts. Roommates can be the most tricky relations possible but mine (past and present here in Chicago) have been wonderful: J, P, K, S and the 'honorary roommate' M, who've seen me through all the almost improbably horrible tales I've fed them on, and who still provide daily mental therapy. I have friends: Ananymous, Champagne, AA. I have colleagues: my supervisor OIS and Zorro's 'Mommy', and a whole bunch of others in HR without whose guidance I would have neither the courage nor the knowledge necessary for this battle. I have my Head of Department - he's a gem - I don't know of a single other professor who would discuss Charles Dickens in the middle of a lab meeting, among other incidents that prove to me that professors can be sane people too. And, of course, I have my old advisor in Maryland, whose guidance and encouragement has meant much more than I can express. I cannot even begin to count the number of people who have given me a chance to prove myself by telling me they would be happy to have me join their lab and their research for my PhD. For me, this is a chance to realize that I really do amount to something more than nothing, and this is a chance to validate their opinion of me.

And now I have The Ideal Advisor. I was offered a position as a Research Assistant in his lab yesterday. Apparently it was a really competitive position and I was adjudged the leading candidate. Yayy! Logistics need to be ironed out a little but I hope things work out because this person is one I was trying to get on my committee earlier as well, and went to first thing after leaving the old place. If all goes well, I will be working with him on the exact area that I always intended to work in. Today, I had my first official meeting with The Ideal Advisor as My Advisor and I cannot wait to start!

I know things are still difficult. Sometimes, even with my very strong support system, I feel alone and helpless. Like this evening, when I realized once more than I have become an unfortunate pawn in the political system of this academic institution. Sometimes I don't know how to respond, or whom to trust. My experiences have shaped me such that very often I tend to suspect people I would have trusted firmly earlier. It's a little sad but, as they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Hopefully my experiences have now taught me to judge people better than I would have otherwise.

I'm leaving on vacation tomorrow, going to Minneapolis and following it up with a dash to The City, where I will spend New Year's Eve. Today, when My Advisor said goodbye to me, he followed it up with "You're leaving for vacation tomorrow. I will look after any administrative glitches here, leave it to me. You go, relax. Come back refreshed. You will start in the new year with a new plan." And a New Advisor, which could only augur well.